walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
