At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
