This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
