im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
