hotel room ftw
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
