Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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