I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
