I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
