cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
