Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
