Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
