I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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