Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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