why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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