I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
