did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.