I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
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yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.