also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
