his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Randomize
