There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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