It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
