I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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