Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
