haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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