her facebook's as public as her vagina
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
