a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
