He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
