I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
