My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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