so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
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Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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