The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
