Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
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It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
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The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm always down for nudity.
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