So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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