I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
