It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
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Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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