Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
