So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
