I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
