I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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