I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
