i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
