I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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