he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
