I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
