I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
