All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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