Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
