I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
