So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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