Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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