$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Randomize
