she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
