I have demons in me.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
