you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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