It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
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So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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