Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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