just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
